Today I want to write something that has been in my heart for a couple of years, but I never quite knew how to put the words on paper. Marriage. Being married is exhilarating and painful, it is wonderfully new and scarily intrusive, it is the safest space and one of the most exposed. It is an ocean with calm and storms and tides that can change quickly. It is a step into the unknown where feet may fail as is evident even from high profile, God-fearing, inspirational teachers whose marriages fall apart. And if they don’t make it, how can mine? But mine did make it. It was immersed into the deep and about to drown when God stepped in and saved it, and in the process transformed me. And He can do the same for you.
French nobleman, Francois de la Rochefoucauld, said: “We promise according to our hopes and perform out of our fears.” Isn’t that so true of marriage? On your wedding day you make a promise and insist that you will stick together through challenging times. You feel close to each other, united against the world, safe and loved. At some point, however, your spouse upsets you and though you feel a little hurt, it is still easy to understand his side of the story and forgive. But after the third or fourth time, you put up defences instead and retreat into your safe space. Your husband does this too in his own way, since he’s had similar experiences and before you know it, fear of rejection mutates what you had as close-knit unit into being amicable roommates who allow the other one the ‘space to be him/herself’. We learn quickly to not engage, to not expect, to not risk it, to not ask for help, but in the end, it gives us what we don’t want – a marriage void of intimacy.
Everyone deals with rejection or fear of failure every day, but its hardest when it comes from the person you’ve made yourself most vulnerable to. So how can we restore intimacy that was lost? I think first of all by understanding how valuable you and your husband are to the One Who matters most, your Creator, Jesus Christ; and secondly, to adopt Jesus’ example of serving humbly (Phil 2:5) and loving unconditionally (John 13:34 & 15:12). God calls us to serve one another in love, with humility, unselfishness, gentleness and with patience (Eph 4:2), to look out for each other’s interests (Phil 2:4) and to build one another up (1 Thess 5:11). I think this is the heart of marriage, to be useful and helpful and kind to one another and to forgive like Jesus forgave us (Eph 4:32), so that our marriages reflect the grace and the love that we ourselves have received from Christ.
It is therefore crucial to spend time with God to understand who you are to Him and to share the difficulties you encounter with Him so you would receive healing for your heartache and wisdom for what lies ahead. Sometimes you’d need to be brave and have a difficult conversation and sometimes you’d have to bite your tongue. Sometimes you must draw a boundary line and sometimes you’d need to adapt. At the feet of Jesus, with His love and guidance, all of this is more achievable. Simple enough, yes, but not easy.
I don’t know where you are in your marriage today, maybe you can relate to a near drowning or cliff hanging experience and I hope that you are still holding on and standing strong. If you are, I would like to share some of my learnings with you and hope that God will use it to give you helpful tools to navigate through marriage up and downs and build intimacy between you and your husband.
- Be conscious of your feelings
“Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath and resentment…be banished from you (Eph 4:31).” All of us are familiar with such feelings, right? But not all of us realize what we feel and what event triggered it. Resentment usually is the result of several offenses that you’ve hidden away in your heart and if that is the case, change is needed – either you or your husband would need to do something differently. To bring the change about, you’d likely need to put on your brave and have a conversation about how you feel and how you are impacted by the issue.
The ability to be conscious of and label my feelings have changed the conversations my husband and I have significantly. Over time, I learned to pinpoint my changed mood to a certain word or phrase, which helped me to respond more productively. If you pay attention to the feelings that arise the moment they are triggered, you learn to link tangible events to elusive feelings and respond level-headedly.
- Be an observant and active listener
We need to learn the skill of active listening where we aim to understand before we push our own agenda. When you try to see the situation from your husband’s perspective, you attempt to see with his eyes, hear with his ears and feel with his heart and ask questions to understand better, while being aware of what is happening in your own heart and mind as his story unfolds. Like a beam bridge has to bend a little to bear the weight of its traffic, we have bend by actively trying to understand our husband’s view. He might have a vantage point that is valid and understandable even though it varies from yours. In the process you will discover more grace toward him and be able to respond more compassionately and find creative solutions to problems.
- Be specific
We need to learn to have conversations where we can tell each other how a specific behaviour impacted us, instead of making general statements that could be misconstrued. It is much more constructive to say, “when you decided to invite friends yesterday, you didn’t discuss it with me”, compared to “you always make executive decisions about our family time.”
- Be accurate
When we talk about how we feel, or what we think, or what we believe to be true, we need to learn to start the sentence using the correct verb. We often try to soften a thought by saying ‘I feel that…’, and then lose your impact or confuse your listener. Instead of saying ‘I feel that you should …’, rather say ‘I think the best course of action is….’ or ‘I feel worried that your idea would result in…’. Nobody can argue against the facts of your subjective feelings or the facts of specific events. If you learn the discipline of choosing the appropriate verb, you help your husband feel with your heart and understand with your mind.
Marriage is not easy. It is not a place butterflies constantly flutter in your stomach and your heart races every time you see each other, although that is part of it. Marriage is hard work. It takes sacrifice and bravery and vulnerability. It requires taking a risk on someone you made a promise to, even though you’ve been disappointed before. It requires a whole arsenal of weaponry to withstand the onslaughts we must deal with so regularly. But when you’ve sown the hard work, you reap the joys of intimacy that last much longer than butterflies.
May God, Who is faithful, strengthen us and guard us from the evil one (2 Thess 3:3). May He knit us together and enfold us in love (Eph 4:15). May God show your husband how to love you unconditionally and may God give you a reverent heart that regard, honour and esteem the husband that He blessed you with (Eph 5:33). May God enable you to live in harmony, united in heart and mind and purpose (Phil 2:2) and may you and I experience what God’s beautiful intention was when He made two people become one.
[Collage created using Pinterest images]
